On The Run
August 9, 2011
This morning, Kate Perry's press manager reported that she will be taking an "extended vacation."
"What this means," the PR guru explained, "is that Kate will take a few weeks off from her blog in order to regroup."
The news came as a shock to many people, including her own support staff. One barista at Readers Cafe, Kate's favorite work spot, said, "I never thought I'd see the day. I mean—DUDE—she's dedicated. She was in here every-frickin-day writing. She's a machine. Even on holidays. I just don't believe it."
Kate's PR person clarified: "She isn't going to stop writing. In fact, Kate's working on a couple exciting new projects. This break from her blog is simply so she can pour her energies in these new ventures. Trust me—you'll like what she's got going on."
Some, however, weren't surprised when our writing superstar declared her intention to step back from the limelight. "She's been on edge for a while now," McLovin, her trusty laptop, said. "It's not surprising. Even when she's on vacation, she makes sure her blogs and guest blogs are timely and entertaining. No one could sustain that sort of bubbliness indefinitely. But I knew she was going to crack the day she threw her furry slipper at me and screamed, 'I just need a break!'"
"She actually threw something at McLovin," one witness said. "I couldn't believe it. She loves that sucker."
When asked if Kate was on the run, McLovin poo-pooed the notion. "She's not a fugitive, she's just an overextended writer. She wants a few weeks of peace and quiet to finish work on her new project. It's not a big deal. She's not turning into the Unibomber. At least, I don't think so."
Kate's press manager assures us everything is okay. "She'll be back eventually. In the meantime, you can follow her on Twitter. She'll continue tweeting."
Kate was unavailable for comment.
Distracted by Alyssa Milano
It's my last day in Florida. The trip so far: a success. In a moment, I'm going to give you a few highlights, but first let's talk about Alyssa Milano.
Why, Kate? I don't understand, you say as you scratch your chin.
Allow me to elucidate. I was a bit iffy on whether I wanted to write about this segment of the trip, even though staying in a retirement community in Florida is a hoot (you'll see soon). So I googled interesting blogs, thinking I might get inspired if I looked at other interesting posts.
On the first site I opened, there was a link for Alyssa Milano's ten favorite blogs. Of course I had to check that out, right? I was SERIOUSLY disappointed that my blog wasn't on her list, and I was VERY surprised that three Dodgers blogs were. Apparently she has her own Dodgers blog as well. You learn something new every day. Would you have guessed her for a hardcore baseball fan? Just goes to show you that people have layers.
Onward!
Because you want highlights from Florida, I know.
- We stayed at with my Magic Man's grandmother, who lives in a retirement community in Delray Beach (a very quaint Floridian town). All the people in this gated community were escapees from New York. If you closed your eyes, you would have thought you were in Queens. Very surreal. One lady said to me, "I'm from New Yawk." I wanted to say "Duh" but I just nodded and smiled sweetly.
- My first day here, an agèd Lothario offered to serve me apple martinis poolside. Needless to say, I rocked the edits I was working on. I think. Ahem.
- We taught the Magic Man's tiny, sweet ninety-eight year old grandmother to speak gansta. Watch out, or she'll bust a cap in your tush.
- We kicked off my birthday month with cupcakes from Cupcake Couture. I got "Mounds-olo Blahnik"—chocolate cupcake with coconut topping. All the cupcakes were named after posh brands, like "Donna Karrot." I was pleased they served me even though I didn't accessorize with a chihuahua that day.
Next up...
New Orleans! Stay tuned for next week, when I eat beignets and my sister walks arm-in-arm with a man in a banana suit.
Baring Teeth
I flopped backwards on my bed. Dangling my feet, I stared at the ceiling and sighed long and with feeling.
"What's wrong with you?" my sister Parisa asked me as she walked into my bedroom.
"I need a vacation from blog writing."
Silence.
"I think I'll take this week off," I said, testing the waters.
"No you won't," was her immediate reply.
Frowning, I propped myself on an elbow so I could direct the full force of my pout at her. My pout is crazy powerful. "But I've written so many posts lately, for all kinds of different sites. Can't I just have one week off? It can be my Christmas present. I know Santa would agree I've been a good girl this year."
Parisa shook her head in the pragmatic way she has, obviously immune to my pooched lips. "You went too far with the good girl part. No one would believe that."
Not shockingly, I didn't really believe it either. "What should I write about then?"
"Write about me." Then she laughed. "Doesn't it just crack you up how I always think you should write about me?"
"Not really."
"I think it's funny." Still chuckling, she said, "Whatever you do, don't write something Christmas-y. That'd be obvious."
I did what I needed to do: I painted tomatoes.
"I don't want to write. I want to paint." I pursed my lips. "Maybe I'll paint a picture. It'd be work, because I'm guest blogging on Pens Fatales about museums on Friday. It'd all tie in nicely."
"Oh geez," my sister muttered not-too softly. "Do I want to know what you wrote about on the other blog?"
"Probably not."
"I didn't think so." After a moment, she said, "Shall I bring you some water for your watercolors?"
I smiled brilliantly. My smile is even more potent than my pout. "Yes, please."
Disco Inferno*
Lately I’ve had such a hard time coming up with things to write every week for you guys. I blame my muse for abandoning ship, but we’re not here to cast stones. At least not today.
So I sat down at McLovin (my beloved laptop, for those of you new to my universe) to write a post for this week, and I decided I’d use the power at my fingertips to figure this out. So I googled “blog topic ideas.”
I know—I have moments of brilliance.
One of the top links on the search list was to a blog by Chris Brogan (a web luminary and general marketing super genius). His post is aptly called “100 Blog Topics I Hope You Write.”
Score!
You will NEVER find me writing about some of the topics Chris had listed, like…
How I Use Facebook (as rarely as possible)
My Children Will Do It Differently (I’d have to have children first, and that’s not happening—sorry, Mom)
The Difference Between Farks and Truemors (snicker)
Explaining Social Media to Your Chamber of Commerce (shudder)
How I Went From Very Shy to Less Shy (snicker again)
But several of his ideas appealed to me. My faves, in no particular order:
Ways to Save a Bad Time at a Conference (I’m TOTALLY doing this next year before RWA National)
How I Find Blogging Ideas (snort)
Books I Want to Write (wherein I explore my great desire to write about a rock band)
Ten Guilty Pleasures (sneak peak: donuts are at the top of the list)
When I Feel Frustrated (the art of breaking dishes)
Giving It Away (not a commentary on my dating life)
If you have a blog, how do you decide what to write about? Do you plan out your posts for the future? If you don’t have a blog, what sort of posts do you enjoy reading most? What would you like to see here?
Actually, writing this has been helpful. At the moment, my brain is teeming with stuff to write about. Mini donuts, for example. And fonts. The spirit of the blog has me so empowered I may just schedule out the topics for my next few blogs and see how that works for me. I know—I’m talking crazy now.
Thank you for participating in this brainstorming session. We appreciate your patronage. Please come again.
* In case you didn't notice, this blog post doesn't have anything to do with dancing or raging fires. I got bored with my original title, Another Blog Post, and decided I could be more creative. So I looked up and on the wall there was a flyer for a firefighters' 70s disco party (a benefit for the SFFD). It inspired me. Firefighters are good for that.
Taking Care of Business
Do you know how many blog posts I've written in the past week? A whole heck of a lot. I've been asked to guest blog during the month of July, and I'm cranking out the posts to turn in. Don't worry—I'll post details when I know the whens and wheres of the event.
You know where I'm going with this, don't you? Can you blame me? I've written so many blogs, I don't have it in me to write this one. But as tempted as I am to post a Gone Fishing graphic and flake out, I can't bring myself to let you down. That's love. Except it's the vague and shallow kind of love that only merits random miscellanea (see below).
So long, Madrid.
I'm back in San Francisco, and I feel pretty good about it. Yes, I miss Madrid—and New York, for that matter. But there's something refreshing about having the ocean and the fog again. It's good to be back.
I'd rather clean the toilet.
A few days ago, I got the proofs for my next book, TEMPTED BY FATE. Don't tell my editor this, but proofs are my least favorite part of the publishing process. (Translation: it's utter torture.)
Picture this: you get a copy of your book, formatted for printing. Your job is to go through and make sure the pages are set properly and that everything is in order (no typos, that all the copyedits were inputted, etc). Sound easy? It is. But it's freaking tedious, especially after you've already read the book several times in the previous few weeks.
A blast from the past.
I'm getting together with my best friend from high school today, and I'm beyond excited. It's been twenty years since I've seen her. Life tore us asunder. (Insert dramatic sob here.) But several weeks ago while I was in Madrid she emailed me, and we're seeing each other for lunch. I have no expectations, but I know it'll be lovely regardless of the outcome.
Vamos Argentina!
Argentina is advancing to the next round of the World Cup. They play Germany on Saturday, a game which may cause a rift between me and my sister. She has a crush on one of the German players but—dude—the Argentinians are way hotter. Especially the goalie. And Messi is a futbol god. There really shouldn't be any question of who to root for.
Disney World, here I come.
At the end of July, I'm headed to Orlando for the RWA National conference. Why should you care? Because I'll be signing books at the RWA literacy event on July 28th (I think). Stop by Disney World's Dolphin and Swan Resort if you're in the area, say hi, and buy a book for a good cause.
Sneakiness.
Did you notice how I just slipped a little bit of World Cuppiness into this post? I'm sly that way.
Speaking of posting...
I haven't written a craft post in forever. Anyone want one? And what would you want? Character stuff? Plotting? A discussion on scene? Pacing? Dialogue? Let me know if you've got things you want to discuss.
What Would <insert person> blog?
I was trying to think of a topic for The Blog this week. I thought about writing something on New York, which is where I am currently. Well, technically I'm in Brooklyn at the moment, but that's not something interesting we should get into right now.
So I was sitting here and pondering possible subjects, which spurred me to change my Gmail status to WWJB? In other words: what would Jesus blog?
Which got me thinking... What would Jesus blog about? Or Buddha. Or Confucius. Or Abraham Lincoln, for that matter. (Not that I'm implying Confucius or Abraham Lincoln are deities—I'm just making a point. Please don't get your shorts in a twist.)
Which got me thinking more... If you could read the blog of someone from the past, who would it be? Genghis Khan? An Egyptian slave? A stegosaurus? Tell us.
Your Turn
I was sitting here, thinking about what to blog about, when I started to wonder why I should be the one to write this blog all the time. Yeah, I know it's my blog, if you want to get technical about it. But don't I deserve a break sometimes? And if there were ever a week I needed a break, it'd be this one.
So it's your turn to do this.
Got your pens typing fingers out? Because here's how we're rolling: I'm posting a picture, and you're going to write about it. A story, an essay, a sentence—whatever you want.
Here's your picture:
The best entry gets something special from moi. Seriously. So get to it.
Wanted
They say she's a thief.
They say she steals hearts.
She would disagree. She'd say that she didn't take anything that didn't want to be taken. She'd say those hearts were given to her, free and clear. Then she'd give you her wide-eyed, innocent look, and you'd eagerly agree that "they" must be delusional.
She's a creature of the night, but never in the shadows. She's sweet. She's crafty. Beguiling and bewitching. When she struts onto the dance floor, you know she owns it. She crooks her finger and her chosen partner comes running, desperate to lead her, even if it's just for one song. Her attitude captivates, her grace mesmerizes. One song, and you're lost.
How do I know? I've been there. One song, and she had me. She knew it too. She graced me with that little smile—the one that feels like it's aimed right at your heart—and I haven't been the same since.
Then the song was over and, with a flick of her saucy heel, she walked on, leaving me alone in the crowd, helplessly watching her select her next victim.
If you see her, be wary.
If you see her, tell her I miss her.
Christmas in Argentina
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Bartolomé, Argentinian marketing representative of Claus International.
Well, my title doesn't do my actual job justice. I'm more of an elf-of-all-trades. I do marketing, PR, and update the company website. I also step in to help support when they get overwhelmed by the volume of correspondence to the Big Guy. And, in the off-season, I help in the stables. Rudolf requires a lot of, shall we say, attention. Champagne baths, massages with walnut oil (for a shiny coat), hot toddies twice a day for his voice... He is such a diva.
But you don't care about all that. You're wondering if Christmas is going to come to Argentina. Let me assure you, Papá Noel will make it all the way down south.
Maybe it'd be best if I referred you to some of our propaganda literature for further clarification.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Does Mr. Claus actually make it all the way, like, to Buenos Aires even? It's pretty far from the North Pole.
A: Yes, it's a long trip—Buenos Aires is far south—but we at Claus International are committed to excellence.
Q: Isn't it hot in Buenos Aires? That's so un-Christmas-like.
A: We realize that 80F weather makes for a different Christmas, but the essence is still there.
Q: Only won't Santa be hot? He wears all those layers and, let's face it, he's got some insulation on him.
A: Please don't be concerned for Mr. Claus. His sleigh is fully equipped with ventilation.
Q: But what about heat stroke?
A: We assure you, Mr. Claus will be fine. Really.
Q: Does he speak Castellano? Because they don't speak normal Spanish in Argentina.
A: No, but Donner is quite the linguist.
So if you're in Argentina, don't worry. If you've been nice, you're good to go. If you've been naughty... Well, there are certain exemptions south of the equator. Email us—we'll see if we can work something out.
Blog-ageddon II
I've revamped some things, instigated new policies, and generally wreaked havoc on the site. Ergo, new blog system.
I debated what to do about the old stuff. It seemed crazy to enter the million or so blog posts that exist into my new blog software, not to mention the ten million comments. Instead, I decided I'm going to keep the old stuff available as archives. From right here.
Except then when I tried to do it, I encountered some tech issues (it's complicated). Instead of trying to hack things out, I opted to eat pizza and drink beer. Sue me.
So one day soon, all the old blogs will be accessible. Hopefully.